I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
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The game has officially changed 😎
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Doctors texting each other.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR