My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
You Might Also Like
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
me after eating Cheetos