I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?