[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
You Might Also Like
first you must answer his riddles
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Living the best life.. 😊
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.