Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I don’t think my car can fly
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]