My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Has science gone too far?