Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“What?”
– Jude
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure