Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
and now we wait
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more