sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Still cracks me up
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.