I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea