I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
From Facebook just now…
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together