I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
spot the difference
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
When someone trying to leave me
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?