Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
You Might Also Like
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
(Gaming support cat.)
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Get off my horse you stupid moon
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc