3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
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Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.