@PJTLynch

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

You Might Also Like

@WhatevaConc

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@athleisure_monk

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@joejwest

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.