Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Nose
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
canadian assassins are called killergrams