My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
This meeting could have been a cake
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.