This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can鈥檛 have both.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I鈥檓 happy or mad.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: For dinner we鈥檙e having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Breaking news:
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine鈥檚 disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
We鈥檇 been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I鈥檓 thinking maybe I鈥檒l just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that鈥檚 not a thing!
Clerk: actually it鈥檚 on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 馃檪
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.