You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.