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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
This will never not be funny to me.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms