If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.