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Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I feel it
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed