Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Boom, boom, ching!