I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
These are too funny not to post 😂
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Cheers Twitter.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions