Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
This is my favorite one of these!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??