I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Living the best life.. 😊
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
can you read it!!??
maan!
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”