[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*3.5 thank you very much.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Whoa 😂
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?