[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”