I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court