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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met