i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Monday
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.