The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
You Might Also Like
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.