*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I have two kinds of followers
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.