Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Ghost costume 😂
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling