Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.