Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”