Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Can’t. Being lazy.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
🤭😂
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I already tried new things thanks.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit