Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
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[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
who wants to go expliring
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.