My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
At least my masseuse has my back.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed