JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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shit just got real
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?