I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.