Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.