*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Botany good plants lately?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob