[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”