Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been