[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
This trial is so absurd 😭
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
i’m still crying at this
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.