NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Taking phone security to the next level.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.