If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Basically.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Sing it!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.