His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.