been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?