Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.