me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died