Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Well, this is awkward
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers